A Long Way To Fall
Helder told me about a series of identical dreams repeated over many months. He was standing naked on the very edge of a stone cliff. Clouds obscured the bottom, and birds were flying above the clouds that stretched to the horizon so that he was unable to see how he might land if he were to fall or, God forbid, jump. Far below, an occasional tree grew out of the cliffside, a Pinon or perhaps a Western Red Cedar, really twisted ones that appeared to provide nesting for them. It was crazy high, and his toes were over the edge like ‘hang-ten.’ He thinks all it would take is a sudden little breeze at my back, and I’d be toast. (There are numerous places in Western Colorado and Southwestern Utah I have been that come to mind when I heard this story.)
As he contemplated the fall—like many of us do when we get too close to the precipice, literally and spiritually—the holy terrors of the notion swept over him. (When I have sometimes stood too close to the edge, I get a ‘weakness in my loins’ from the preposterous suggestion of my truest self, I think, with curiosity and excitement that I might actually jump)
From behind, Rabbi Jesus’s right hand settles on his left shoulder, and he says, “I bet you think I am going to ask you to jump.” He replies, “Well…the thought crossed my mind.” Rabbi says, “Well, I’m not.” Crushed, Helder asks, “Why not?” And the Spirit says with great compassion, “Because you wouldn’t.” After each dream, he was sad and sought a discussion with Her for understanding, which She declined.
The many dreams always ended there without explanation by the Spirit until there was one last dream.
The last was identical to all the rest—while dreaming, it always seemed new and fresh like he had never dreamed it before—until Jesus asked him the question. “I bet you think I will ask you to jump.” He replies, “Well…the thought crossed my mind.” Jesus says, “Well, I am!” And Helder says, “Woah…have you thought this through carefully? I mean—stammering a little—that’s a long way down…are you sure we’re gonna be alright?” And Jesus, laughing, grabs him by his left hand and pulls him over the edge as he jumps, saying, “Of course, it will not be all right…you are going to die…and then you will be just like me!” And that was the end of the dreams.
…all in, with both feet, without reservation,
or it is not a Love relationship.
Helder learned he had been hedging his spiritual bets. Allowing Her to only partially put his old man to death. He supposed that his commitment to Her was enough, but protecting his ego, his false self, from complete annihilation. And, it was not as though She was suggesting, insinuating, or demanding more of him. Still, there comes a time in all Love relationships that we must either be all in, with both feet, without reservation, or it is not a Love relationship. It is something else.
Shortly after this, Helder’s life turned toward disaster with significant loss of everything they had worked very hard for and remained that way for a time. They began again with a gift from a local Christian fellowship of $500. But looking back on where he is today, he said, “I wouldn’t change a thing.
“That we ought to give ourselves up to GOD, with regard both to things temporal and spiritual, and seek our satisfaction only in fulfilling Her will, whether She lead us by suffering or by consolation, for all would be equal to a soul truly resigned.”
―Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God